A Note From Kayleigh...

Yes I know it is long but please take the time to read it.

2011.

For those of you who know me particularly well, you know that I am not a fan of odd numbers. For those of you who know me in general, I am a pretty optimistic person about anything. I wasn't too thrilled about the new year partially because of the odd number, but also because the past two years, the new year has started rather badly, but I worked my hardest to stay positive about it all. January and February are typically the hardest months I deal with each year, and my heart hoped badly that this year could be different than the last two. Let me take you back a little bit. My freshman year on February 18, a close friend of mine and beautiful soul to so many others passed away at fifteen. Mckanna Elaine Young was an amazing girl and it hurts to wonder what had gotten her to the place she ended in, but I forever love her and hold onto her soul. My sophomore year on January 12, another friend and comedic heart who lightened any persons day also passed away. Michael Robert Lovelady, much like Mckanna always brought a smile to everyone's face. Heading into the new year of my junior year of high school..my heart was already sore from holding onto Michael and Mckanna..and my biggest wish was for this year to be normal..for everything to stay the same and to just give God control and have an amazing year. Much as things go, though..things couldn't be that easy.

Nicholas Doub..oh my dear, what a person. Nick was the type of person to always bring a smile to your face no matter what situation, what time of day, what place you're in and he took advantage of that without ever realizing he did so. I met Nick my freshman year and we had always been close friends since the day he walked up and said hi and gave me a hug..no hesitations..not knowing me..no judgment. That is just how he was. You know those comments and jokes people tell that stop you in your tracks and you give yourself a facepalm and laugh at whoever said it? Nicki was the type who could tell those jokes and say those things and make people's hearts lighter because of the aura he had when he said them. I can think back to so many times..he could run up and say things like "One day, a guy walked into a bar and said ouch...don't you get it? Like a bar, bar like ouch (smacks head)." and "I tried to run you over today, it didn't work," and everyone would just smile and giggle because he had the biggest grin on his face when he said these things. Yeah, that was the wonderful essence of Nick that I remember and love..and miss. Six days into the new year, everything seemed normal at 7:40 in the morning. I was disobeying rules and was on the computer the morning of January sixth, had just eaten breakfast, as I'm sure Nick had, too. No one expected it to be any extraordinary day, though it ended up to be one of the hardest the school had ever faced. I was talking to Nick that morning online, looking forward to the day ahead, not really about anything in particular and around 8 he had to get offline and head to school. (We go to two schools together and the one happens to be across town.) The last think Nicki said was "Today is going to be a great day! I just know it!! See you later Kayleigh! :DD" and he was gone. 8:36 am on January 6, 2011..the Nick I knew and loved was suddenly shattered. Three days were spent in and out of his hospital room...within none of them did he ever wake up..ever move..ever look at anyone with those beautiful blue eyes again. I have often wished I could go back to that morning and tell him everything I never did..how much he means to me, how his smile lights up my day, how loved he is, by everyone and me..but I didn't need to tell him those things for him to know..he knew he was loved. As we filed in through that ICU room all weekend, he may not have been awake..but I know he heard every person who came in to tell him see you later..that everything is going to be okay. 11:42 pm on January 9, 2011, Nicki was gone up with the Lord, seated beside Him, forever loved.

Four days later, January 13, 2011. The day of Nick's funeral, one day after Michael's one year anniversary. Hundreds of people were packed into that church hall..all for Nick..all for his family, all for each other. God's presence was so alive in that room it was hard to focus..and Nick was there beside us all, telling us he was okay as we sat there, looking at him almost as if he were sleeping. That day is one of the hardest I have ever endured.

I've learned from experience, and from being taught, that with every bad situation, there is a bright outcome. Nick gave his organs and is going to save seven other lives with them. Nick brought at least one person to faith. Nick brought us all together as a family and gave us the opportunity to bond and create everlasting friendships. And, through those bonds, he brought someone to me to comfort me who is now my boyfriend of almost seven months, Justin Michael Dant.

On January 16, 2011, I started dating Justin Michael Dant, who, to this day has become a saving grace to me.

The first few weeks were difficult..I often shut people out and didn't want to speak to anyone at all. It almost seemed as if everything was spiraling down, if my melodramatic self might say. I wanted Nick back and that was that...but I finally started to realize it wouldn't happen and surrounded myself with friends and family, loved ones and looked more to the good than the bad. Things finally started to feel normal. The musical had started and rehearsals often kept me busy, as well as being with Justin and close friends, they served as a good distraction, especially through Mckanna's two year anniversary. Things finally seemed okay again. I started to plan things again, and had a military ball and youth retreat coming up. For the time being, I was focusing on my life and the people in it and staying busy. Youth retreats have always been something I adore because it gives me a chance to get away and really get some Kayleigh-God time that is sometimes hard to get when I'm surrounded by people. I left for the retreat the day after a wonderful night at a military ball with Justin. Rehearsals were going well, things were starting to build back up..but again..things can't always go perfect, can they. March 18, we lost another sweet Reagan Raider after she was hit by oncoming traffic after suddenly turning into the street. Brooke Elizabeth Edwards, like everyone else, always brought smiles to peoples faces. I wasn't as close to Brooke, but several friends were and seeing everyone in pain was upsetting. We held a memorial at school for both Nick and Brooke, and the two teachers that passed away during the school year, as well.

I started to get sick at the beginning of April, as I generally do every spring, but this time was different...two nights before the opening night of the rehearsal, I collapsed backstage and was unconscious for 25 minutes, then started seizing. I was sent by ambulance to Baptist ER where we waited in the lobby for two hours after which I felt find and the doctors did not do anything, and I went home. Besides being very tired and feeling sick, I felt somewhat normal and went on stage for all three nights. The show much go on, no? I was kept under close watch of my mother and other cast members backstage and the show went pretty well. After a few weeks, though, I noticed I started feeling worse and was tired much more often, the days started to get longer and soon, appointments were being scheduled to figure out what was going on. Until the appointments came in late may, I took each day step by step.

Now, I am not one to admit my fears or when I'm upset because other people are more important in my eyes..but after May 10th, I had hit a point near rock bottom and couldn't risk keeping it all to myself anymore. Jessie Hill Davis passed away after battling her entire life with cistic fibrosis. If ever I had to point out one incredibly strong person in my life..her name comes to mind because this is a nasty disease, its painful and hard to live with, but she managed. She had died once and was revived and kept on smiling. Being the third Raider lost within five months, everyone was on edge and fearing any more loss. I went to her viewing with Justin..and the feeling of the entire reason we were there was one that was extremely hard to understand..but again with the help of others, and prayers being sent out from all over, we all managed to pull through as best we could together.

A week after Jessie passed away was when most of my physical health started to go downhill. It had gotten so bad to the point where I was pulled out of school and put on homebound because I couldn't go an entire day without going into the office to sit and rest for a while because I felt incredibly sick and tired, occasionally dizzy as well. I was thankfully able to finish out the school year on time and summer had started. My summer basically revolved around trying to feel the best that I could and spending most waking moments with Justin become on June 22nd, he left for the US Air Force Academy in Colorado. The only contact I was given with him after he left was through letters, which was difficult, but for him and our relationship, more than worth it. After he left, I continued to go into what we called a "downward spiral" and was scheduled for tests and procedures at Duke Hospital in early July. One of which, told us a lot but left a lot of struggle with understanding afterwords. On July 5th, I was scheduled for a Tilt Table test. This test is about forty minutes long..but twenty three minutes into it, my heart stopped and I was clinically dead for fifteen seconds. After pushing meds through an IV and being brought back to consciouness, I was left with a lot of confusion as to what had happened and why things were so bad...understanding it all was hard..but a few days later Justin was given his phone and I had the opportunity to talk to him and gather my thoughts and he helped settle my anxious mind as he always has.

July 11th is when it all started to go down...I was at home that Monday and started feeling very fatigued with chest pain and dizziness, and my vision was blurry. I noticed my blood pressure was rising throughout the day and as it got higher, my heart rate got lower, to the point where for a while it was at 32 beats per minute where the average is 80. My mom came home and we spent a while debating what to do and finally decided to go to Baptist ER once more and I was immediately admitted. I spent two days at Baptist..in which, I had a very bad episode where I remember thinking at one point that I was going to die. Admitting that I am scared is something hard for me to do but I legitimately do not remember ever having felt that much pain and discomfort in so long. On the thirteenth, I was sent home and less than twelve hours later was in a car on the way to Duke Medical Center where I was directly admitted and would be staying for the next two weeks. I spent the days from July 14th to July 25th in the pediatric cardiac unit of Duke Hospital under watchful and very bipolar eyes of nearly seventeen doctors, all switching out each day, debating tasks, choices to make and what to do. At one point, we nearly told the doctors off and I remember thinking that it feels like one step forward and two steps back. I wanted to be home and I wanted everything to just stop and be okay.

Each day I would wake up and read back through messages and letters from Justin, people came to visit me and distract me for a while and my family supported me each step of the way. After several doctors we had to fight with, I was finally given two who both seemed to finally listen to me, the patient, and seemed to actually care about the situation. After carefully adjusting meds and other daily schedules I'd need to follow, and after two weeks of fighting painful and uncomfortable PVCS, Couplets and Bijemy (irregular heart rhythms, skipping beats, doubling beats), not sleeping well and homesickness..I was released the day before my seventeenth birthday and sent home.

Since then, Justin has his computer and I am able to talk to him and keep spirits up, and my friends and family check on me constantly and help me through it all, as well as my God. I am doing better now physically, and still miss Nick, Brooke and Jessie often times, but none of it compares to how thankful I am to be here.

I'm at the point where it has finally hit me how close I was to losing my life, multiple times..part of me wishes my summer hadn't have been spent in the hospital but had it not, my life would be at higher risk right now. Life is precious..and it is here for a reason.

Yes life is hard..it sucks sometimes and we want to give up more than anything, but the thing that I've learned is that its true life doesn't come easy, but its rewarding in the end no matter what you face. The challenges that hit you make you that much stronger in the end. You've been given this life to be thankful for, to live in and live with others and to spread God's love and enjoy the love He has given you. Don't take it forgranted because in a simple second, it could be gone.

I wouldn't trade anything, anyone, any moment, not even the worse, of my life for anything, no matter how hard it has been. Obviously, I have a purpose for being here or I wouldn't be and I'm more excited to see what that reason is then to sit with regrets about what I have dealt with.

I am who I am because of who God made me, and because of the people in my life that have surrounded me and taken the time to put forth effort to care about me.

Thank you to my God for giving me life. Thank you to my parents and family for not giving up on me. Thank you Justin for never leaving my side through all of this and for being such a saving grace to me even from so far away. Thank you to my church family for the prayers and strength. Thank you to my friends who support me and have prayed for me across this whole journey. Thank you to myself for not giving up.

The road ahead of me is difficult...but you know what? I don't care. It's worth ever second. For every moment of pain there are two more of joy. The trials of this life are His mercies in disguise.

Keep the faith, hold the hope, never give up and never let go.

God bless, I love you guys.

Kayleigh