New Year... New Me!

We kicked off the new year with our dear friends, Neal and Dawnya Taylor-Schroeder. This has been a tradition for the last 3 years now and we always enjoy our time with them! This year we spent time around the house, bowling, eating, praying, reminiscing, and hiking!

While they were here, Dawnya and I spent a great deal of time talking... sorting out decisions we've made in the last year, how they've affected us, what situations crossed our paths, and where we were with our faith and what we felt like we needed some help with.

For me, I confided in her that I was feeling very unsure of myself and over-extended. We have had a LOT thrown at us in the last year, especially over the last 6 months. I have tried very hard to face it head on and stay strong for my family; but truth be told, it's really been wearing on me. I asked Dawnya (who has been VERY active in her church over the years and has faced some issues of her own in the last year) "how do you know when it's time to give up something or when it's time to step back from something you're doing in the ministry?". We talked about making sure we were doing things for the right reason, and really praying for clarity and direction. New Year's Eve, before we went to bed, she and I prayed together that we would both see a clear view of what God's path for us is in 2012 and that we would obey his direction.

Woke up New Year's Day and headed to church and things became VERY clear! Our Minister of Discipleship preached that morning, John Williams. I love it when he preaches because it always hits home for me in one way or another. Maybe it's because he and his wife Laurie have 4 kids who are always in and out of the doctors office or ER like ours... or maybe it's just because God uses him to speak exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it!

That morning was NO different. John talked about how in Revelation 2:3-4 the Lord says "You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold htis against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.". In plain terms... the Lord was saying to the church of Ephasus: 'YES, you have done good things, taught of Me, and endured much hardship along the way.... but you forgotten that I am your first love!' It's all about doing the right thing... but doing them for the right reasons!

I'm reading a book right now called "The Christian Atheist: Believing in God But Living As If He Does't Exist. In the first chapter the author, Craig Grosche, talks about that realization when he says "And as my love for ministry burned hotter, my passion for Christ cooled". He was doing all the right things! Preaching, loving, serving, praying, ministering... but he forgot about his passion for Christ, the REASON he was doing all of those things.

I guess what I'm getting at is the "New Me" part. I have been serving in the youth ministry for two years now and I have LOVED it! There isnt' much that tears me away from Sunday nights. Since getting involved with them, I have had a passion to be there and love on those kids! But, since November when we were slammed with the news of Kayleigh being sick yet again, I have changed. The strong Mother that most of you are most familiar with became weak, angry, and frustrated. I even wrote a blog about it where I said "I am NOT OK!". After listening to John Williams on New Year's Day and then reading it again in Craig Grosche's book, I quickly realized that Sunday night youth group is where I needed to step down from. If I'm really being honest with myself, for the last few months I've been there for ME and not for the girls. I've been there for the worship and prayer time because it made ME feel better about where we were at in our life. When I realized this, I realized that I really am in no position to LEAD others right now, but I need to be led and fed spiritually ....

So, last Sunday, I tearfully said goodbye to my High School Girls Group 1 for a while.

This year, specifically this next 6 months, my focus is on rebuilding my own heart and faith and preparing to send off 2 of my 4 children to college and enter a new phase of my own life. I'm excited to get back into The Truth Project on Monday nights with dear friends, and I'm excited to continue studying the Word in a great small group led by the Lydick's.

I surely will miss Anna, Savannah, Hannah, Charity, Madison, Alex, and Elisabeth. But, I know that God has big plans over the coming months!