Lately I've had a few people say one thing or the other in regards to Mike that have rubbed me the wrong way. Now... I totally get that they mean well and I admit that I'm a bit over protective and over sensitive. But, the words still sting. After hearing one today... "at least it's not cancer"... I decided to make a list of things not to say and came across a few good articles and other blogs on the subject. I compiled them and these are the ones that stick out to me.
1. Just think positive and you'll feel better!
This is like saying that he's not doing enough or trying hard enough to get better. Believe me.... if he could feel well, he would! He has tried everything from medication, exercises, biofeedback, prayer, positive feedback, and pretending he feels 100%. Sadly... it doesn't work. If it did... he wouldn't be sick.
2. You don't look sick.
Why not just say "what you have isn't real, it's just in your head". Chronic illness is often hidden. Unless you live with the person and see it day to day, it's not obvious that taking a shower fatigues them for several hours making it difficult to even get dressed. With Mike, after a shower and morning routine he feels like he's ran the Boston Marathon!!
3. God only gives you what you can handle.
Telling someone that God picked them to suffer does not help at all. Period. One blog I read said that a better option is to just say you'll pray for calm and peace.
4. You look terrible.
You're right. They often do look terrible. Sometimes they have to pick and choose what they spend their energy on. For Mike... one of those thing is not shaving on a regular basis or taking the time to press his clothes before he gets dressed. And honestly... I'm ok with that!
6. I know how you feel, I had a bad migraine for 2 days last week.
OK... Guilty! Not going to lie! I have tried very hard NOT to complain to Mike when I have a headache. But the truth is, I have no idea how he feels because I've not had a headache every day for the last 9 months straight with little relief. And, my headache hasn't impacted my social life, professional life, emotional life, sex life, etc.
7. Well... at least it's not cancer.
Someone said this to me today about Mike. It was HARD to bite my tongue and not lash out! Yes, I am glad he doesn't have cancer! But he is struggling with many of the same things cancer patients struggle with. Nausea, sever fatigue, weakness, depression, anxiety, fear, frustration, pain, etc. AND... this comment also sounds like he should feel guilty for feeling sick when there are others who are "more sick" than he is. Illness should not be ranked.
8. At least you get to stay home and relax all day.
I guarantee if you say this to Mike... you might want to duck! There are a million things he'd rather be doing and work is at the top of that list. Followed closely by attending social functions, playing volleyball with his daughter, playing basketball with his son, hiking the mountains with our friends, going out on a date with his wife... the list goes on and on.
9. I'm sorry.
Chronic illness is not a funeral. This condolence just seems a bit out of place.
Now that I've given you the "thall shall not" list... here's a few things you CAN do or say.
- I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.
- How can I learn more about....?
- How can I help support you and your family?
- What is important for me to know about your illness?
- Is there anything you want to talk about? I'm here to listen.
- How can I help you be more comfortable?
- How can I help your day go smoother?
- How can I pray for you?
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing this! I find people often don't know what to say. I, also, try to not get offended, but it's difficult to be thick skinned all of the time on top of everything else. Hope your husband feels well today!
What a great post! This is great advice for people who aren't sick who might have stumbled across your blog.
My dad once told someone about my health problems and how I'm unable to work because of them, and they said their girlfriend has headaches. She still goes to work every day. It's like..physically being unable to stand is a little different than having a headache..Some people just don't get it!
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