Just finished a book by Laura Story - When God Doesn't Fix It - that she wrote after her husband had a brain tumor leaving him with so many deficits similar to Michael's. So much of the book spoke to me in a spiritual sense. But the very end of the book hit me like a ton of bricks on a physical and emotional level. Here's a small piece.....
"Discussing these matters helped me see that I still had other underlying issue and concerns to work through. Was I afraid to leave him alone? Did I not want Martin to work because the logistics were harder on me? Was I scared of him failing in public? And what IF he failed? How would that make me feel?"
.... you get the idea. I read this over and over and over because this could very well be ME writing. Was I afraid to leave Mike alone or let him work because it would be harder on me? Am I afraid that letting him be "normal" and possibly fail would cause ME to feel bad, or guilty, or worse... embarrassed for him? I have to admit.... sometimes... no... a lot of times the answers to these questions is a definite yes and I'm not proud to say that.
I don't think it was coincidence that I found this book and was in the midst of reading it right before Michael decided to go to lunch with John Williams on his own. This was his first outing with a friend i a LONG LONG time! Part of me started to worry.... What if Michael has a seizure while he's with John? What if he suddenly can't get his words out and goes into an aphasic episode? I had to consciously say out loud - and I seriously did - "So what!". After 3 years of this he knows what to do and he doesn't need me to hold his hand and he NEEDS to be able to manage it himself without me by his side.
I also don't think it was coincidence that I finished reading this book just days before today's appointment with the BRAINS Clinic. I walked into today's appointment with a different outlook. And a different hope for Michael. This is his chance at regaining as much of his life as he possibly can. In turn... it will help US regain as much of our marriage as we can instead of us being in the patient/caregiver roles that we've been in.
One of the things we've talked about lately in church and life group is that God doesn't tell us IF the storm comes He is there for us. He says WHEN the storm comes.... and when that storm comes we should be grounded in our faith, on a firm foundation, ready to take it on and come out standing strong.
God is NOT done with Michael yet... his story is still unfolding!
