This is something I've never written about and really, have never even talked about... until now.
The first year I heard Newsong's "Christmas Shoes" song was the year that we knew would be Mom's last Christmas. Every time it came on the radio, I quickly turned it off! I couldn't get even the first verse in without tears flooding my vision... just hit too close to home.
That Christmas season was not going well AT ALL! Paige was born November 7th at 9 weeks early. While Paige was getting stronger in the NICU, Mom was getting weaker and weaker. Then Dad called one afternoon and told me the unthinkable.. she wasn't going to get better, the cancer had spread.
I felt so pulled... be in Indiana with my daughter? Be in Ohio with my Mom? Some days I did both and by the end of the day was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and then would be up all night crying over feeling helpless... on both accounts!
We were all anxiously awaiting Paige to be released so that we could have one last family picture taken with my Mom. As soon as we got word that Paige could come home Dad scheduled it. We all knew why we were there... we knew it would be the last time we would have pictures taken with Mom, and it just plain sucked! But we all smiled and got through the afternoon, making sure that Mom stayed calm and unaware of all of us being upset.
Then Christmas Eve came... Mike and I decided to stay at our own home in Indiana that night, instead of staying at Mom & Dad's like we typically did. Paige was still attached to monitors and wires and was still very frail, so we felt it was best. Our plan was to get up Christmas morning and make the hour drive to Mom & Dad's. Little did we know we'd get nailed with an unexpected snowstorm that night that shut down all the roads under a state of emergency (Uhh.. for those of you southerners, that means it's actually ILLEGAL to be on the roads and they will haul you off to the slammer!). When I woke up and saw the news, I just cried! There was NO WAY that I was letting a snow storm keep me from spending my Mom's last Christmas on this earth with her and I didn't care who tried to stop me!
So... my amazing husband spent the next two hours shoveling us out as I called the sheriff's department and state highway patrol to figure out how to get to Mom's safely. I explained through tears to each of them why this was so important, and they gave me the "unofficially, I could tell you to try...". But, they all stressed how unsafe the roads were, if we got caught we could be in big trouble, and told me that we should stay put (Yeah... right! Like THAT was gonna happen!)
Once Mike shoveled us, I called my Dad and told him we were on our way, but not to tell Mom... no way could she have handled the stress of knowing we were driving in the mess! We loaded the kids in the van with lots of food, blankets, extra battery support for Paige's monitors, and emergency things in case we got ourselves in trouble. Mike looked at the kids and told them that once we left that garage no one was to say a word so that he could concentrate on the roads and that we WOULD make it to Grandma's house. (Have I mentioned how amazing he is?) And off we went...
The van was so quiet! The kids KNEW Daddy was serious and they KNEW the roads were bad. I prayed the entire way... "Please, Lord, just let me spend my Mom's last Christmas with her!! Please get us there safely!" I don't remember exactly how long it took us to get to my parent's house - but I know it was well over 2 hours (and it was only an hour drive normally) and as we turned on the road they lived on the tears were uncontrollable!! (Kind of like right now just reliving that day!).
That Christmas seemed just like all the others... lots of laughs, lots of cookies, lots of gifts, and lots of fun with the family. Deep down, we all knew it was actually very different; after all, it was Mom's last. I still remember her sitting on the couch wrapped up in her robe watching all the kids, taking it all in. She was frail, her hair was gone, her skin was pale... but she was so beautiful to watch! The smile on her face of having us ALL there made me so very thankful that I have a husband who will go to the great lengths for his family, and thankful that our Lord God protected us along the way!
Now, when I hear "Christmas Shoes" I can listen to it, but I still cry. My gift to my Mom that year was more than what was wrapped under the tree... it was that I would go to ANY length to be with her that very day just in case "Momma met Jesus tonight".
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